A New Beginning

There is so much running through my mind right now!  2011 did have the greatest start, because I was sick for at least the first two weeks of it.  Looking back on this year I accomplished NONE of my resolutions and made many mistakes... but now I realize that I have learned from all of my mistakes.

*I developed amazing friendships at TMF!  I miss this so terribly much!!  Whether it was a mistake or not to quit that job I went where I thought I was supposed to go...
*I started a new job...hated it & finally quit!  There is such a sense of freedom now!
*God has been teaching me about trust and finances like no one would believe!
*I started back to school full time... and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!! :D
    I am sitting here looking at my degree plan; I have highlighted all the course that I have completed... including spring semester I only have about 23 hours left!


Next year this time I will have graduated college, paid off my car and hopefully have started my career.  How INSANE does that sound?!  I cannot believe the days ahead are the ones I have been dreaming about since I was a little kid!

I want 2012 to be completely different the every year in the past.  I haven't made "resolutions" (because that words always seems to end up with failed "resolutions") per se but I have written down where I want to go in this coming year.  I want so much out of this year.  

My hopes and dreams for the coming year are.... (in no particular order)

-Gradating college & raising my GPA.

-Paying off my car.

-Become a Personal Trainer and get a job.

-Begin a real relationship with the Lord... church and quiet times.

-Be a better mother to Sassy! Spending more time with her... walking & playing with her.

-Change my lifestyle completely... adding fruits & veggies & fun exercise.

Last year on K-Love they were talking about having a word to describe the coming year... I have come up with mine...

FAiTHFUL

Faithful to church, God, my quiet time, to myself, to Sassy, to my family, to my friends, to eating better and working out.  <--all of these things I have fallen apart with in 2011.  But this time I really want to live life to it's fullest.

I don't think we will be here much longer.  I think the Lord will come back sooner than anyone thinks.  If He came back right now and asked me how I lived for Him in 2011 I honestly could not answer that question because I didn't live for Him this year.  But I'm ready to change that this time around! :D


I ended 2011 with the best possible workout that I could give.  And I am pretty dang proud of myself!
-My goal was to time myself for a mile run on the treadmill.  I started off strong for not having worked out for most of the year... I could only finish 1/2 mile, but now I know where I need to start.
-Then I hit 20 minutes on the stairmaster.  I was ready to end my workout there.
-But Niccole and got on the Row Machine and did a 2000m row.  I shaved off a few seconds of my time compared to when I did it on Monday.

I might not be as fit as I was a couple of years ago, but I headed down the right path & excited to see where it takes me! :)



2012, I know is going to be a hard year.  I have quite a few challenges ahead of me and will likely get discouraged at times, but that is when I will need to review my goals and why I'm doing what I'm doing.


 

Bittersweet.

So, I discovered today that I need to start using my brain more and stop opening my mouth and saying stupid things!  I used to be a lot better at doing this... I'm not so sure what has happened to me!  

I had a bittersweet moment today when I handed in my 2 weeks notice at work.  Mostly sweet, because I'm not happy there and haven't been except maybe the first two weeks I started.  I will miss most of my co-workers, but super excited to see what's waiting for me next!  I know the Lord is going to work everything out the way it is supposed to be and I am ready to hit the ground running.  I'm a fighter and always have been.  It's time to focus on graduation and getting my career going.

Please be in prayer for me as I begin the next chapter of my life.  There are going to be many changes, but I can't wait to see where the Lord takes me!  


I finally am starting to feel the sense of freedom settle in, just from giving my 2 weeks... next weekend... will be PARTY time! :D  I am starting 2012 with a fresh slate.  The hardest thing I had to do this year was tell Melissa I was leaving... I ended up in a place where I was miserable... but because of this decision, I have regained my focus and now I am looking towards the finish line.... it's soooo close!

The Knots.

Dang!  So I'm on facebook looking through peoples pages and I come across the most amazing prayer ever that fits my life PERFECTLY!  It goes hand-in-hand with my last post and what I am dealing with.

The Knots Prayer

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

 Remove the have nots,

the can not and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, 

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

-Amen

 Then, as I am sitting here typing up a letter I read this....

"On this day, God wants you to know...
that you will find the wisest teacher within yourself. 
Do not rely overly on others for your answers. 
Seek the wisdom within the kingdom of your heart."

I have been second-guessing myself for 3 months now with a decision that I need to make.
I am still torn between my decision... But I KNOW if I stay in the place that I am,

then I will NOT be happy.

Taking another giant leap of faith and praying I land somewhere better!

Fifteen Days

Another year has come and is almost gone.  When I look back on 2011 there is not much that I want to remember about it.  It has been another hard year in my life.  But a few special things I gained.... the sweetest dog, Sydney, has been added to my family and some pretty amazing people in life.

It is time to clean up my life... to shed away the hurt and the pain and the lost hopes and dreams, to become the person that I want to be.  Who do I want to be is the question that I must ask myself.

And here is the answer... I want to be....

  a Christian who is madly in love with her Savior.

a college graduate.

a first time car owner & debt free.

healthy.

confident.

a Certified Personal Trainer.

happy, joyful.

 

A different person than who I have become when I lost who I really am.

A new day and a new year means new beginnings.  I am ready to close the book of painful memories and continue with a new chapter in the book of wonderful times.

As I sit here looking at my Christmas tree and all the decorations all I can think of are the happiest times while growing up and decorating the Christmas tree with my family.  I look at each ornament on the tree and I light up from all the memories that come rushing back.  

I have realized this year that my grandma is  83 years old and I don't know how many more Christmases I will have left to spend with her.  I want to make her proud of me... I want her to see my walk the stage at graduation... I want her to see my children some day, but I don't know that it will happen.

2012 is going to be about living each day to the fullest!  Life on earth is short and the end is near.  I want to put meaning behind my life and make a difference in the lives of the people around me.

I am tired of seconding guessing myself, not having confidence, being unhappy, and saying I'm going to start living my life differently... TOMORROW.  I have learned that "tomorrow" NEVER comes.

Changing my life isn't going to be easy... that is why I need my friends and family to be there walking beside as I take this journey.  I don't want to do it alone... I have tried that for way too long... and I have gotten NO WHERE.  It's time to start.... right NOW.

Grateful

I have been stressing out about money since I started this job in July.  Then my pay went up and all was good.  Well, then they cut all my hours, so back to freaking out I went.  I have been living off Monica's rent money and getting all my bills paid.

 I have been praying and praying that the Lord would provide financially for me!  I don't need extra money to get anything else; I just want to be able to pay my bills.

Well, I have a new supervisor at work, that is actually letting me work unlike the previous one that wouldn't schedule me at all!  Then my neighbor has offered be a babysitting job 3 days of the week over Christmas break.  And I am working at my friends office a couple of times over the  break.  So, needless to say, the Lord is providing for me!  I will be able to pay all my bills and hopefully have some left over.

Thank you Lord!!!

Senioritis

I have senioritis... BAD.  My senior year consists of 3 semesters... I am about to finish one of them.  I CANNOT wait for it to be December 2012! ... the goal is to get a career going BEFORE I graduate.

I was looking back on a post that I began to write on the first day of school and how Power Yoga and Stress Management were going to be my favorite classes of the year... I was wrong about that.  This has been a VERY ROUGH semester!  I was hoping it was going to be amazing, but with all my hours at work getting cut and depression I have struggled so much!

I am ready to not worry about school... for at least a couple of weeks! :D  I am ready to quit the job that I hate!  I am ready to start over!  Spring semester I know is going to be a challenge and at this current moment I am NOT ready for it to start!

I am going to need a LOT of prayers during 2012!!  It is going to be a tough year.  I am not quite prepared for it.  Hoping once Christmas break stars then life will settle down a bit.

Depression

I haven't worked in over 2 months. During this time I have become very depressed.  I left a great job with amazing co-workers to have all of my hours cut at a place that I thought would be a dream job.  I look back on this decision and wish I could rewind and erase the last 6 months of my life.  I have met some pretty incredible people in the past few months; such as one little girl, Addison.  She has stolen a piece of my heart forever!

I keep thinking about how much of a mistake it was to take this job and how much I regret it, but then at the same time it has all happened for a reason because now I can take and pick up my cousins from school.

I actually got scheduled to work last week, which I was incredibly grateful for because I was down to my last $20.  But I got there and I think I was more depressed to be there than I have been in the past 2 months.  I'm just not happy there... Then I read the "On this day, God wants you to know..."  

That it is also important to know what you do not want. 

Sometimes when you go through a period of great difficulty and struggle,

it is so that you can finally realize what you do NOT want in your life.

Then, finally, at long last, you can

embrace what you DO want.

That is exactly what I have been struggling with for the longest time.  I told myself after TMF I would not work with kids again... and what do I go and do?  A few weeks into my new job I wanted to quit, because I hated it and wasn't happy.  I do NOT want to work there anymore, but what's holding me back is... 

1. I need any bit of $ that I can get.

2. Nowhere else will hire me because I have no experience

I WANT to order my personal training study material BUT 
I don't want to use the $ I have saved off for that just in case something happens and I need it.
Also, part of it is fear.  Once I get done with that, then I have to get a real job and actually be a grown up... which scares me.


SO MANY DECISIONS AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH TO CHOOSE!!! :-o :-/

Thankfulness

As many people are posting on Facebook of 30 days of Thankfulness, I thought I would post on here so I can see all of them together.  Each day I will edit this post and add another day to it.

Day 1: I am thankful that I only have 2 more semesters of college left... hopefully!  I am SO close!! :D
Day 2: I am thankful for my precious baby girl, Sassy.  I never thought I could love an animal so much!  She lights up my life!!
Day 3: I am thankful for my grandma!! She has been there for me all of my life!  I do not know what I would do without her!  I cannot imagine life without her! :'(  But hopefully I won't have to go through that for many more years! 
Day 4: I am thankful for the little joys in life, such as Sydney laying on the back of couch looking out the window! :)  She is too cute!!
Day 5: I am thankful for Angela! (AKA The Beast of the Gym)  She pushes me to my limits and is encouraging!  She makes me want to be a better person!  She has been a major part of my life the last couple of years and has inspired me to be a personal trainer!  I hope to be even half amazing as she is.  
Day 6: I am thankful that I am physically able to do daily tasks. Although, my body is screaming at me for not exercising more. My neck down to my toes are extremely sore! But it hurts so good! :) 
Day 7: I am thankful for the amazing friends I have been blessed with! I couldn't ask for better! :)
Day 8: I am thankful for the cool weather!
Day 9: I am thankful the Lord always provides in times of need. Learning to continue to trust Him through this hard time.
Day 10: I am thankful for all my cousins. Although they are all pretty crazy, I wouldn't trade any of them! :)
Day 11: I am thankful for all the veterans and one's that have fought for my freedom. Thank you!
Day 12: I am thankful for the weekend + good food + going to the park with friends and sweet puppy dogs.
Day 13: I am thankful for Sunday's.
Day 14:  I am thankful for the gift of life. Babies are so precious!!
Day 15: I am thankful for the giggles and smiles and laughs of children.
Day 16: I am thankful for a very dear childhood friend that first talked to me about Christ and made me want to be a better person. 
Day 17:I am thankful for the incredible people in my life that care about me!
Day 18: I am thankful for Friday's... I can finally breathe! Only a few more weeks in the semester!
Day 19: I am thankful for my precious little cousin, Blayden!! :D
Day 20: I am so thankful for my church family & H.A.LO. worship team! :D
Day 21: I am thankful for a break from school coming up very soon!
Day 22: I am thankful for friends that help me paint and clean house!

Day 23: Today I am thankful for my family! :D All of us "kids" played outside tonight... the "kids" haven't played outside in Jon, Kathleen, and I were
Day 24: I am thankful for my family... I have a BIG family so it requires at least 2 days to fit all of them in:)
Day 25: Third day in a row and still unbelievably amazing family!
Day 26: Thankful for amazing neighbors that let you know when your dogs bust out of the back yard... Because their momma's didn't shut the gate all the way! :-o :)

"Lord Undo Me"

This is an amazing poem/prayer that JD Chandler from K-Love read this morning.  It is 100% where I am at this point in my life.

Lord Undo Me

 

I don't really worship these days

I don't really stand up to praise you with songs

Or prayers or actions

or with anything.

I am fully of all the right moves.

I am fully of all the right worlds.

I am fully of all the right religion.

But it is all just illusion.

I amreally

Lonely

Lost

Calloused

Jaded

Cynical 

Too religious

Too realistic

and well really just too lazy

to worship you anymore.

I have lost my first love.

I have lost the joy of your presence. 

But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory.

Father I need to see you again.

Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory.

To fall down at your feet

To come face to face with you

Perfection,

Radiance,

Goodness,

Holiness,

Awesomeness,

I want to stand befor eyou and see you for who you are

and me for who I am

I want to be undone.

I want to know me for who I really am.

I want to see the depths of my heart.

And know that you are the only way.

You are the only truth.

You are the only life.

I want to see me and understand me

What it really must have taken for you to

Love me 

Care for me

See me

Speak to me

Want me

Communicate with me

Die for me

Die for me

Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see if your glory.

And my sin

Because in that place I can't help but worship you.

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

Lord, undo my heart

Break down these walls that I love so much

No, wait don't,

I'm scared I don't know if I can handle this.

Don't.

But I can't live this way anymore!

I can't stand here in this half-life

this going through the motions life

This not really alive life

Father, I need you so come in and do what you must

Cut out the tumor on my heart

Break down the walls that I love

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

Let me worship you again.

Blake Williams

Decisions!

There is SO much on my mind!  

I am officially a Team Beachbody Coach. (If you want to know what that is and what I do, please ask! :) I'd love to share!)  

I have taken a few weeks off work to think about what I want to do.  I'm not happy when I'm working; I don't want to be there, but when I think about quitting and leaving I have mixed feelings. :-/  I miss my morning kids so stinking much!  UGH!  This is was NOT the way this was supposed to happen!! This was supposed to be an AMAZING job that I would have throughout the next couple of semesters until I finished school and got into my personal training career!  This was my chance to start over and not have a previous co-worker go to the same place.  Happiness.... it doesn't always last!  I miss my TMF family!!  I think the reason I loved that job so much was because we were a family!  But this job was nothing as I had imagined.  I do love *most* of my co-workers and kids, but I'm just no happy!  
I need the little bit of income from there to get me started with my Beachbody business, because I only have about $70 to my name, not including the money I have saved off for my personal training certification. I won't be able to make all of my bills this month on my own, but luckily I do have help.  So frustrated and overwhelmed!  I'm trying to trust the Lord to provide for me, which He has so far.  But dang, I hate the unknown!  I like being in control and knowing that I will have enough for each month.

Last week, my grandma fell, luckily she didn't break anything.  Yesterday she turned 83.  I don't know how many years she will have left on this earth.  She has been there for me my entire life and taken care of me.  When she is gone I won't have a place to live or money for anything, at this rate.  And that scares the mess out of me!!

I don't know what to do!  I really want this Beachbody business to take me places, but last time I took a leap of faith, it set me back, a long way!  I don't want to work with kids anymore or have a desk job either... I want to order my personal training cert. study materials, but I don't know when I'll have time to study for that on top of school and everything else I have to do!

Please pray for me!  

1. That I will stop freaking out about the future and everything!

2. That God will provide for me financially!

3. The health of my grandma!

4. Me to get my life together and not lose my sanity in the process!

Good news is...
*I am hopefully going to get my bike fixed up so, so I can ride that to school instead of wasting money on gas. And gotta find winter clothes, 'cause it's going to be cold soon!
*I bought P90X... which I will be starting very soon.
*I also will be training for a 5K starting Monday.  Monica and I are gonna run at with the dogs... kill two birds with one stone... the dogs get exercise and I get my run on! :)
*My baby girls birthday is next Thursday, She will be 3! :)  I can't believe she has been with me for 2 years already!  I love her more than anything!

Fear

I am afraid.
I'm afraid of failing,
Afraid of not being good enough,
Afraid of the unknown...

*I did not get the job at ETMC that I interviewed for.  But, I am okay with tha because deep down I didn't truly want it. 
*My other option for making money is becoming a Beachbody Coach, which I have talked about for a while.  Now that the situation has arried that this one of my last options, I am scared.  I am scared to take the leap of faith and start my own business because I'm only 22 and I don't know what I'm doing.  I hate the fact that how and what and if I sale anything is how I get paid --That scares me more than anything.
*The last time I took a leap of faith it landed me in a palce I quickly realized is not where I want to be and now I am on the verge of 100% losing my job, because they changed the class schedule and the two nights a week I can work they cut classes... so I'm pretty sure my hours will get cut again! :-/
*I'm not trying to say that I am looking at Beachbody as my last resort becaus I have wanted to do this for a while, but now that I'm really gonna do it, it kind of freaks me out! 

**But I signed up to be a Coach and I am waiting on my "getting started" packet to come in.  I am nervous 100%, but it's another leap of faith that I have to take and see where God takes me.  I also ordered P90X :-o  I have only heard good things about this program and now it's time to find out for myself! :D

*I have still put off order my certification matericals because I'm scared mostly, along with I don't know when I'll have time to study for it with 15 hours of school classes, starting my own business, getting my relationship with the Lord right, working out, working at XTC, and every day stuff I have to deal with.  Dear life, please slow down!


So many emotions going through my mind.  More money is going out, then coming in.  I am running out fast and freaking out.  Yes, I know money doesn't buy happiness... but money does have to pay the bills.  And only getting 6-8 hours/week at XTC hardly helps at all! :-/


The only way I will get through this is with a LOT of prayers and FROG! (Fully Relying On God!)

The start of something new

God wants you to know... that the life you are having is the life you are creating. Even when this seems paradoxical on the surface, how could you possibly want anything but happiness, on a deeper level, there is something in you that is make it so. To transform  your life you must first understand what is keeping it the way it is.

God wants you to know that it is also important to know what you do not want. Sometimes when you go through a period of great difficulty and struggle, it is so that you can finally realize what you do NOT want in your life. Then finally, at long last, you can embrace what you DO want.
^That is exactly what I posted about last night.

This morning I got up and went to Iron Pump! I had not been to Iron Pump in 4 months :-o I thought I was going to DIE.... but once class got going it turned out not to be as killer as I had anticipated.  

Don't get me wrong, it was definitely a challenge, but I was stronger than I thought.  I loaded my bar and got be DBs and at the time they seemed heavy, but once we started, I definitely could have gone up on my weights! :D  When I wanted to quit because Angela was doing a killer shoulder workout today... all I could think about was "this is worth it,  you are strong, and this is what you want" =)

Those endorphins have definitely kicked in!  I am pumped!  And it is a BEAUTIFUL day outside!  Life is good at the moment.


I love watching Sydney lay on the back of the couch and look out the window :)