Serenity

As I posted in my status at the beginning of the week...

I found an old bulletin from Sunday, October 19, 2009.  I got Sassy the next day, Monday.  This is what I had written down...

"God knew about it before we were ever born.  He allows it to happen to bring glory to Him & so we can trust in Him." 

The previous Friday night a very horrible event happened in my life that very well could have ended my life, the lives of 2 family members and that of a friend.  That was by far the scariest event of my entire life!  But God knew about this event long before I was ever created.  That night, God has finally gotten a hold of one person's life, while my life just kind of stopped.  It was after this event that my life just kind of stood still... I slowly stopped going to church, slowly stopped going to the gym for classes.  Almost 4 years later, I have created this huge rut that I just can't seem to get out of.

The best thing in the world came out of this event.  I got the most special and loving dog on the planet, Sassy.<3  The last 3 years of my life have been amazing, because of Sassy.  It didn't matter how bad my day was, how much drama was going on around me or anything else... Sassy was there for me when NO one else was!  And this is where the next part comes in...

"When we turn away from God, He will take our treasures away.. because He loves us"

 I blame myself for Sassy's death.  I turned away from God and Sassy became my world.  And therefore, He took her.  I have been struggling SO much with the guilt of the "what-ifs, the what I could have done, and the what I should have done."

I have been trying to focus my energy on Sydney and giving her all the love I can, getting back into the gym for workouts and trying to fix my relationship with the Lord.  (Praying that I get a new job... that is closed on Sunday's so that I can actually get back involved in church.  Now, I just need to find a Sunday school class to get involved in... any suggestions at Friendly?)

I want so badly to get OUT of this rut I have let myself get in and stay in for waaaaay too long!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

There is a lot more on my mind but that will all come later.

Rest in Peace

My mind is completely jumbled with tons of thoughts & I am not sure where to I should start.

Difficult does not even begin to explain the past week of my life!  A week ago today my entire world was turned upside down.  As you probably already know my amazingly, wonderfully, lovable dog, Sassy passed away last Tuesday.  She had been showing signs of sickness for less than 2 weeks.  We thought she was getting better, but she all of a sudden got extremely worse.

It is a constant battle to not blame myself for her death.  As her momma, I feel like I could have done more to try to help and save her.

Dr. Carlson called me on Saturday (7/14) to give me the preliminary findings on Sassy (which is explained more in the previous posting).  He said then that Sassy had developed an infection in her kidneys.  The doctors were going to run more tests to find more answers.

He called me last night (Monday 7/16) to give me the final diagnosis.  He told me that the doctors could not isolate the strand of bacteria that Sassy had. 

Dr. Carlson said it was probably some type of bacteria that was so overwhelming that her body could not fight it off.

They don’t know she wasn’t sick longer than she was or why she felt better then all of a sudden she did a 180 degree turn for the worst.

So basically, I will never know exactly what happened to Sassy besides it was some kind of bacterial infection. :’(

Dr. Carlson said that Sassy didn’t suffer long.  Sassy was a fighter!  She held on as long as she possibly could.  She did everything I asked her to do in her sickest of days.  She was the GREATEST DOG EVER!!

Lord, when I prayed "…I can't live without Sassy..." I did NOT mean I couldn't, I meant I didn't want to... this is a lesson that I really didn't need to learn this way! :'( I will know to word my prayers differently from now on!

Sassy changed my entire world!  She came to me during the scariest time in my life.  There will always be a place in my heart with her name on it!

A picture frame in my room says,

*God sent me an angel disguised in fur to remind me of love* ßthat describes Sassy exactly!

My final goodbye to Sassy will be burying some of her ashes in the hole in the backyard.  I need to let go and let her to rest because there is nothing I can do to bring her back!  She wouldn’t want me to live my life holding on and being unhappy.

I want to get another dog in the future, but I don’t know when the appropriate time is.  I don’t want to disrespect Sassy and rush out to get another dog & it be like Sassy never existed!  She is too special to ever forget her though!  I also want what is best for Sydney!  She has been super depressed!  I want her to have another playmate!

I learned that within the German Shepherd breed there are 13 different distinct colors of dogs.  Sassy was the Silver Sable.

I will admit that the night I went to get Sassy, it was not love at first sight because she was not the “typical” GSD color that I had pictured in my head.  (I did not see a picture of Sassy before I went to meet her)  But within the first couple of minutes of being in the car with her, I fell head over heels completely in love with her!

I do want to get another GSD someday.  I looked up GSD rescue shelters; I saw a female German Shepherd that was a silver sable shepherd.  She looks like she could be Sassy’s twin.  Her name is Diva.  The first two words used to describe her are sweet & sassy :)

At first I wanted to get the same color dog as Sassy, but the more I looked at the pictures of Diva the more I compared her to Sassy.  I don’t want to do that to a dog.  I want to accept them for the individual dog they are.  I don’t want to only think of Sassy when I look at a dog and I’m thinking it would be very hard on Sydney!  I don’t want it to be like a mean trick played on her… that Sassy went away for a few weeks and then just showed back up.

It has been an extremely hard week, but I will continue to take it one day at a time and I will be able to pull my life back together again someday.  Be patient with me because Sassy to me was like any mother’s daughter…whether human or an animal.

Rest in peace my sweet baby girl<3

Update about Sassy

I got a call from the vet today. 

The preliminary results:
     -They said that Sassy developed an infection in her kidneys. 
     -Her white blood cell count was up.
     -They are going still running more tests to find out something else, that I didn't 
      understand. I should hear back from the vet middle of next week.

-He said that if they would have run blood tests every couple of days they MIGHT have caught it in time and done something.  But that would have also cost a lot of money.
-He also said they didn't do that because she was feeling better the Thursday when she was at the vet.


I regret not bring her in to the vet Monday! :'(  Because there IS a possibility that she COULD still be alive!  And that breaks my heart even more!!!! :'(




*I think Sydney will do much better once we pick up Monica this evening!

*I don't rememer what I have posted in the last couple of posts, but I had started a scrapbook of Sassy last year or so and hadn't made it very far, but I am going to start working on it again.  Yeah, I know some of y'all may think I am crazy, but that's cool... I am crazy... crazy in love with Sassy :)

*I picked up her cremains yesterday... that was the second hardest day of my life!


**I try to keep telling myself that Sassy was put in my life for a reason... and that reason being to love again.  My heart was so bitter before I got her, from all the extremely hard things I had through in the years previous!
*Some day, I will get another dog, most likely a German Shepherd.  I'm just not wanting to get a dog and expect it to be exactly like Sassy was.



I'll post more when I find out more.  I just don't want to blame myself for her death... which is extremely hard to do especially since I was the one that was supposed to be taking care of her. :'(

Words cannot express

Words cannot express how much I miss my Sassy baby girl!

I was not the BEST mother that I could be to Sassy.  I admit I did not walk her as often as I should have and that is one thing I regret.  I became complacent and lazy... I wish I had a little more time to make it up to her.  I want to make sure that Sydney is taken care of... I'm going to love her with all that I have and walk her as often as I can.

Monica is moving out in a few months and taking Sydney with her... I honestly do NOT know what I'm going to do with myself! :'(

So, before I met Monica when an animal died, we would bury them.  Well, their family cremates their animals which I thought was the creepiest/strangest thing ever.  Yeah well, I got Sassy cremated.  (Don't judge or get weirded out).  My brother and dad dug a hole to put Sassy in the day she passed away... so with that hole I am going to put some of Sassy in the hole and cover it back up... the hole is where her favorite place to dig was at. :)

I do not know when I will get the test results back on Sassy, but I am hoping that whatever she had was hereditary.  Then I will know that she was placed in my life on purpose for her short time here! (if that makes sense).  I don't know that I could live with myself if she got into something around the house.

EVERYTHING makes me think of Sassy and cry... taking Sydney for a walk, driving my car, squeaking a toy and soo much more!  I'm sure a lot of people think I am crazy for being this upset about this, but this was MY first animal (besides Lightning... but cats basically take care of themselves).

It's going to be a looong road and take a long time to heal.


And as far as the "all dogs go to heaven"... from what I have read... that's not true... nowhere in the Bible does it mention animals... as in dogs or cats... But I hope that there really are!  How can God create such amazing animals and they not be in Heaven?!



**Prayers are needed that I stop blaming myself for all of this and that I can forgive and stop being angry at work for not letting me off to bring her to the vet!

**Prayers also... it could just be my mind wanting me to think this... but Sydney has been going to the bathroom quite a bit lately and that is exactly how Sassy started out... so that is really starting to scare me!


I am picking up Sassy's cremains in the morning.  I don't know if that is going to make this any easier or harder.

Shattered

My heart is shattered into a million pieces!

I am mad at myself for not bringing Sassy to the vet sooner, mad at my boss for not letting me off today, and mad at God for letting this happen!!!  She might still be alive!  When Sassy first got sick I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would take care of her and that I couldn't handle her dying, but He let me down... BIG time!! She was dying this morning when I had to leave for work!  Why didn't I get someone to bring her to the vet anyone.  Why isn't she alive to greet me when I walk in the door?

I just want one more day to be with her... one more day to take her for a walk... one more day to see her smile... one more day to be around her very sassy attitude.  I just want one more day to be with my baby!!

So angry, so confused, so sad, so numb!!! This is just one horrible nightmare that I am hoping to wake up from tomorrow.  I can't imagine my life without her!!! Like I said in yesterday's post... she has been by my side EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 3 years.  Every time I thought about the future... it was about me and Sassy... getting a house together.... going on car rides... taking her for a walk... playing in the snow... playing frisbee golf... going to the park... going swimming... their being my children's first pet... her telling me if she liked a future boyfriend... being in my engagement photos...but now I will have none of that! :'(  I was about to sand a chest and repaint it to use as their toy chest; I'm still going to do that.

There is no dog on this planet that could EVER replace Sassy or even come close to being as special as she was to me.  Why God, why did you have to take her?!

There is a huge empty hole in my life.  Monica just bought Sydney and Sassy new food bowls and a leash where we could walk both of the dogs on one leash without them getting tangled.  I wish I had been a better mother to Sassy... I wish I would have played with her more, loved on her more, took her to the park more and walked her more. :'(

She wasn't even 4 years old... how could be get so sick so fast?!

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention (that I know of) animals being in Heaven, because they don't have souls like humans do... but if God is the amazing God He says He is... then animals have to be in Heaven... right?!!

Overwhelmed

Some may say a dog is just a dog.  But they obviously have never had one or have no heart.  Sassy to me is my daughter.  I love her with everything I have and only want to take care of her.

These past couple of weeks have been the hard part of "motherhood" I have ever experienced!  Almost 2 weeks ago I noticed that Sassy had some strange behaviors.  So I brought her into the vet that Saturday morning.  They took some blood and ran some tests.  They weren't for sure what was going on. 

I had to bring her back Monday morning for the day.  So they could try to figure out what was going on with her.  They still weren't 100% sure, but I got some eye drops to give her over the next couple of days.  She went back to the very for the day on Thursday.  

They diagnosed her with Neurogenic Diabetes Insipidus. Which is where the pituitary gland doesn't produce enough Anti-Diuretic hormone (ADH), which are what they eye drops are supposed to help with.  Over those few days at the vet she hadn't made much improvement, but had gotten worse.  She will be on hormone injections for the rest of her life.

On Friday, she was acting herself again... she was smiling, eating, getting excited.  But the last couple of days things have gone WAY down hill.  Yesterday she ate a little bit and drank some water.

But today I noticed she is the worst she has ever been.  Like scary worse!!  I took Sydney and Sassy for a walk this morning... it took us almost 20 minutes to get around 1 1/2 blocks when normally we can go twice as far in that time.  She was barely moving.  The only thing she ate today was half a chicken strip and had some water.  Anything I try to force her to eat she just spits it out.  I am freaking out!  She has absolutely NO energy.  She sleeps  all day.  And has NO expression, won't get excited when I say "walk" or "car ride" like she usually does.  I had to pick her up to put her in the car today.  

I don't know what to do for her.  I have tried EVERYTHING to get her to eat.

I called to see if I could get someone to schedule my shift tomorrow, but the response I got was "I don't have anyone that can come in"  SERIOUSLY! With over 20 employees and me being on call Wednesday, how is there NO ONE on call tomorrow?!  So friggin' frustrated!

I have an appointment set up for Wednesday afternoon, but calling in the morning to see if I can get that moved up. 

I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one morning and she be dead! :'(  Sassy was sent to me as an angel.  I got her after a traumatic event in my life and she has been by my side ever since.