A New Beginning

There is so much running through my mind right now!  2011 did have the greatest start, because I was sick for at least the first two weeks of it.  Looking back on this year I accomplished NONE of my resolutions and made many mistakes... but now I realize that I have learned from all of my mistakes.

*I developed amazing friendships at TMF!  I miss this so terribly much!!  Whether it was a mistake or not to quit that job I went where I thought I was supposed to go...
*I started a new job...hated it & finally quit!  There is such a sense of freedom now!
*God has been teaching me about trust and finances like no one would believe!
*I started back to school full time... and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!! :D
    I am sitting here looking at my degree plan; I have highlighted all the course that I have completed... including spring semester I only have about 23 hours left!


Next year this time I will have graduated college, paid off my car and hopefully have started my career.  How INSANE does that sound?!  I cannot believe the days ahead are the ones I have been dreaming about since I was a little kid!

I want 2012 to be completely different the every year in the past.  I haven't made "resolutions" (because that words always seems to end up with failed "resolutions") per se but I have written down where I want to go in this coming year.  I want so much out of this year.  

My hopes and dreams for the coming year are.... (in no particular order)

-Gradating college & raising my GPA.

-Paying off my car.

-Become a Personal Trainer and get a job.

-Begin a real relationship with the Lord... church and quiet times.

-Be a better mother to Sassy! Spending more time with her... walking & playing with her.

-Change my lifestyle completely... adding fruits & veggies & fun exercise.

Last year on K-Love they were talking about having a word to describe the coming year... I have come up with mine...

FAiTHFUL

Faithful to church, God, my quiet time, to myself, to Sassy, to my family, to my friends, to eating better and working out.  <--all of these things I have fallen apart with in 2011.  But this time I really want to live life to it's fullest.

I don't think we will be here much longer.  I think the Lord will come back sooner than anyone thinks.  If He came back right now and asked me how I lived for Him in 2011 I honestly could not answer that question because I didn't live for Him this year.  But I'm ready to change that this time around! :D


I ended 2011 with the best possible workout that I could give.  And I am pretty dang proud of myself!
-My goal was to time myself for a mile run on the treadmill.  I started off strong for not having worked out for most of the year... I could only finish 1/2 mile, but now I know where I need to start.
-Then I hit 20 minutes on the stairmaster.  I was ready to end my workout there.
-But Niccole and got on the Row Machine and did a 2000m row.  I shaved off a few seconds of my time compared to when I did it on Monday.

I might not be as fit as I was a couple of years ago, but I headed down the right path & excited to see where it takes me! :)



2012, I know is going to be a hard year.  I have quite a few challenges ahead of me and will likely get discouraged at times, but that is when I will need to review my goals and why I'm doing what I'm doing.


 

Bittersweet.

So, I discovered today that I need to start using my brain more and stop opening my mouth and saying stupid things!  I used to be a lot better at doing this... I'm not so sure what has happened to me!  

I had a bittersweet moment today when I handed in my 2 weeks notice at work.  Mostly sweet, because I'm not happy there and haven't been except maybe the first two weeks I started.  I will miss most of my co-workers, but super excited to see what's waiting for me next!  I know the Lord is going to work everything out the way it is supposed to be and I am ready to hit the ground running.  I'm a fighter and always have been.  It's time to focus on graduation and getting my career going.

Please be in prayer for me as I begin the next chapter of my life.  There are going to be many changes, but I can't wait to see where the Lord takes me!  


I finally am starting to feel the sense of freedom settle in, just from giving my 2 weeks... next weekend... will be PARTY time! :D  I am starting 2012 with a fresh slate.  The hardest thing I had to do this year was tell Melissa I was leaving... I ended up in a place where I was miserable... but because of this decision, I have regained my focus and now I am looking towards the finish line.... it's soooo close!

The Knots.

Dang!  So I'm on facebook looking through peoples pages and I come across the most amazing prayer ever that fits my life PERFECTLY!  It goes hand-in-hand with my last post and what I am dealing with.

The Knots Prayer

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

 Remove the have nots,

the can not and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, 

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

-Amen

 Then, as I am sitting here typing up a letter I read this....

"On this day, God wants you to know...
that you will find the wisest teacher within yourself. 
Do not rely overly on others for your answers. 
Seek the wisdom within the kingdom of your heart."

I have been second-guessing myself for 3 months now with a decision that I need to make.
I am still torn between my decision... But I KNOW if I stay in the place that I am,

then I will NOT be happy.

Taking another giant leap of faith and praying I land somewhere better!

Fifteen Days

Another year has come and is almost gone.  When I look back on 2011 there is not much that I want to remember about it.  It has been another hard year in my life.  But a few special things I gained.... the sweetest dog, Sydney, has been added to my family and some pretty amazing people in life.

It is time to clean up my life... to shed away the hurt and the pain and the lost hopes and dreams, to become the person that I want to be.  Who do I want to be is the question that I must ask myself.

And here is the answer... I want to be....

  a Christian who is madly in love with her Savior.

a college graduate.

a first time car owner & debt free.

healthy.

confident.

a Certified Personal Trainer.

happy, joyful.

 

A different person than who I have become when I lost who I really am.

A new day and a new year means new beginnings.  I am ready to close the book of painful memories and continue with a new chapter in the book of wonderful times.

As I sit here looking at my Christmas tree and all the decorations all I can think of are the happiest times while growing up and decorating the Christmas tree with my family.  I look at each ornament on the tree and I light up from all the memories that come rushing back.  

I have realized this year that my grandma is  83 years old and I don't know how many more Christmases I will have left to spend with her.  I want to make her proud of me... I want her to see my walk the stage at graduation... I want her to see my children some day, but I don't know that it will happen.

2012 is going to be about living each day to the fullest!  Life on earth is short and the end is near.  I want to put meaning behind my life and make a difference in the lives of the people around me.

I am tired of seconding guessing myself, not having confidence, being unhappy, and saying I'm going to start living my life differently... TOMORROW.  I have learned that "tomorrow" NEVER comes.

Changing my life isn't going to be easy... that is why I need my friends and family to be there walking beside as I take this journey.  I don't want to do it alone... I have tried that for way too long... and I have gotten NO WHERE.  It's time to start.... right NOW.

Grateful

I have been stressing out about money since I started this job in July.  Then my pay went up and all was good.  Well, then they cut all my hours, so back to freaking out I went.  I have been living off Monica's rent money and getting all my bills paid.

 I have been praying and praying that the Lord would provide financially for me!  I don't need extra money to get anything else; I just want to be able to pay my bills.

Well, I have a new supervisor at work, that is actually letting me work unlike the previous one that wouldn't schedule me at all!  Then my neighbor has offered be a babysitting job 3 days of the week over Christmas break.  And I am working at my friends office a couple of times over the  break.  So, needless to say, the Lord is providing for me!  I will be able to pay all my bills and hopefully have some left over.

Thank you Lord!!!

Senioritis

I have senioritis... BAD.  My senior year consists of 3 semesters... I am about to finish one of them.  I CANNOT wait for it to be December 2012! ... the goal is to get a career going BEFORE I graduate.

I was looking back on a post that I began to write on the first day of school and how Power Yoga and Stress Management were going to be my favorite classes of the year... I was wrong about that.  This has been a VERY ROUGH semester!  I was hoping it was going to be amazing, but with all my hours at work getting cut and depression I have struggled so much!

I am ready to not worry about school... for at least a couple of weeks! :D  I am ready to quit the job that I hate!  I am ready to start over!  Spring semester I know is going to be a challenge and at this current moment I am NOT ready for it to start!

I am going to need a LOT of prayers during 2012!!  It is going to be a tough year.  I am not quite prepared for it.  Hoping once Christmas break stars then life will settle down a bit.

Depression

I haven't worked in over 2 months. During this time I have become very depressed.  I left a great job with amazing co-workers to have all of my hours cut at a place that I thought would be a dream job.  I look back on this decision and wish I could rewind and erase the last 6 months of my life.  I have met some pretty incredible people in the past few months; such as one little girl, Addison.  She has stolen a piece of my heart forever!

I keep thinking about how much of a mistake it was to take this job and how much I regret it, but then at the same time it has all happened for a reason because now I can take and pick up my cousins from school.

I actually got scheduled to work last week, which I was incredibly grateful for because I was down to my last $20.  But I got there and I think I was more depressed to be there than I have been in the past 2 months.  I'm just not happy there... Then I read the "On this day, God wants you to know..."  

That it is also important to know what you do not want. 

Sometimes when you go through a period of great difficulty and struggle,

it is so that you can finally realize what you do NOT want in your life.

Then, finally, at long last, you can

embrace what you DO want.

That is exactly what I have been struggling with for the longest time.  I told myself after TMF I would not work with kids again... and what do I go and do?  A few weeks into my new job I wanted to quit, because I hated it and wasn't happy.  I do NOT want to work there anymore, but what's holding me back is... 

1. I need any bit of $ that I can get.

2. Nowhere else will hire me because I have no experience

I WANT to order my personal training study material BUT 
I don't want to use the $ I have saved off for that just in case something happens and I need it.
Also, part of it is fear.  Once I get done with that, then I have to get a real job and actually be a grown up... which scares me.


SO MANY DECISIONS AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH TO CHOOSE!!! :-o :-/