"Lord Undo Me"

This is an amazing poem/prayer that JD Chandler from K-Love read this morning.  It is 100% where I am at this point in my life.

Lord Undo Me

 

I don't really worship these days

I don't really stand up to praise you with songs

Or prayers or actions

or with anything.

I am fully of all the right moves.

I am fully of all the right worlds.

I am fully of all the right religion.

But it is all just illusion.

I amreally

Lonely

Lost

Calloused

Jaded

Cynical 

Too religious

Too realistic

and well really just too lazy

to worship you anymore.

I have lost my first love.

I have lost the joy of your presence. 

But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory.

Father I need to see you again.

Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory.

To fall down at your feet

To come face to face with you

Perfection,

Radiance,

Goodness,

Holiness,

Awesomeness,

I want to stand befor eyou and see you for who you are

and me for who I am

I want to be undone.

I want to know me for who I really am.

I want to see the depths of my heart.

And know that you are the only way.

You are the only truth.

You are the only life.

I want to see me and understand me

What it really must have taken for you to

Love me 

Care for me

See me

Speak to me

Want me

Communicate with me

Die for me

Die for me

Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see if your glory.

And my sin

Because in that place I can't help but worship you.

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

Lord, undo my heart

Break down these walls that I love so much

No, wait don't,

I'm scared I don't know if I can handle this.

Don't.

But I can't live this way anymore!

I can't stand here in this half-life

this going through the motions life

This not really alive life

Father, I need you so come in and do what you must

Cut out the tumor on my heart

Break down the walls that I love

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

Let me worship you again.

Blake Williams

Decisions!

There is SO much on my mind!  

I am officially a Team Beachbody Coach. (If you want to know what that is and what I do, please ask! :) I'd love to share!)  

I have taken a few weeks off work to think about what I want to do.  I'm not happy when I'm working; I don't want to be there, but when I think about quitting and leaving I have mixed feelings. :-/  I miss my morning kids so stinking much!  UGH!  This is was NOT the way this was supposed to happen!! This was supposed to be an AMAZING job that I would have throughout the next couple of semesters until I finished school and got into my personal training career!  This was my chance to start over and not have a previous co-worker go to the same place.  Happiness.... it doesn't always last!  I miss my TMF family!!  I think the reason I loved that job so much was because we were a family!  But this job was nothing as I had imagined.  I do love *most* of my co-workers and kids, but I'm just no happy!  
I need the little bit of income from there to get me started with my Beachbody business, because I only have about $70 to my name, not including the money I have saved off for my personal training certification. I won't be able to make all of my bills this month on my own, but luckily I do have help.  So frustrated and overwhelmed!  I'm trying to trust the Lord to provide for me, which He has so far.  But dang, I hate the unknown!  I like being in control and knowing that I will have enough for each month.

Last week, my grandma fell, luckily she didn't break anything.  Yesterday she turned 83.  I don't know how many years she will have left on this earth.  She has been there for me my entire life and taken care of me.  When she is gone I won't have a place to live or money for anything, at this rate.  And that scares the mess out of me!!

I don't know what to do!  I really want this Beachbody business to take me places, but last time I took a leap of faith, it set me back, a long way!  I don't want to work with kids anymore or have a desk job either... I want to order my personal training cert. study materials, but I don't know when I'll have time to study for that on top of school and everything else I have to do!

Please pray for me!  

1. That I will stop freaking out about the future and everything!

2. That God will provide for me financially!

3. The health of my grandma!

4. Me to get my life together and not lose my sanity in the process!

Good news is...
*I am hopefully going to get my bike fixed up so, so I can ride that to school instead of wasting money on gas. And gotta find winter clothes, 'cause it's going to be cold soon!
*I bought P90X... which I will be starting very soon.
*I also will be training for a 5K starting Monday.  Monica and I are gonna run at with the dogs... kill two birds with one stone... the dogs get exercise and I get my run on! :)
*My baby girls birthday is next Thursday, She will be 3! :)  I can't believe she has been with me for 2 years already!  I love her more than anything!

Fear

I am afraid.
I'm afraid of failing,
Afraid of not being good enough,
Afraid of the unknown...

*I did not get the job at ETMC that I interviewed for.  But, I am okay with tha because deep down I didn't truly want it. 
*My other option for making money is becoming a Beachbody Coach, which I have talked about for a while.  Now that the situation has arried that this one of my last options, I am scared.  I am scared to take the leap of faith and start my own business because I'm only 22 and I don't know what I'm doing.  I hate the fact that how and what and if I sale anything is how I get paid --That scares me more than anything.
*The last time I took a leap of faith it landed me in a palce I quickly realized is not where I want to be and now I am on the verge of 100% losing my job, because they changed the class schedule and the two nights a week I can work they cut classes... so I'm pretty sure my hours will get cut again! :-/
*I'm not trying to say that I am looking at Beachbody as my last resort becaus I have wanted to do this for a while, but now that I'm really gonna do it, it kind of freaks me out! 

**But I signed up to be a Coach and I am waiting on my "getting started" packet to come in.  I am nervous 100%, but it's another leap of faith that I have to take and see where God takes me.  I also ordered P90X :-o  I have only heard good things about this program and now it's time to find out for myself! :D

*I have still put off order my certification matericals because I'm scared mostly, along with I don't know when I'll have time to study for it with 15 hours of school classes, starting my own business, getting my relationship with the Lord right, working out, working at XTC, and every day stuff I have to deal with.  Dear life, please slow down!


So many emotions going through my mind.  More money is going out, then coming in.  I am running out fast and freaking out.  Yes, I know money doesn't buy happiness... but money does have to pay the bills.  And only getting 6-8 hours/week at XTC hardly helps at all! :-/


The only way I will get through this is with a LOT of prayers and FROG! (Fully Relying On God!)