Blessing in Disguise

Afraid to disappoint myself, again.  Afraid to disappoint others.

I disappointed myself with my Kinesiology degree and doing PTr. I realized that PTr was not what I wanted to do when I was doing my internship.  I don't think I ever 100% believed in myself to do it which is a large part of anything you choose to do.

So, then I decided I would go for Psychology to help girls with eating disorders, as I have struggled with my own. My name means, listener.  I am a very good listener, but it's the finding the right words to say back that I have problems with... so I'm thinking a Psychologist might NOT be the career for me... I didn’t completely realize this until one random day…

An incredible career option was brought to my attention. It's an amazing opportunity and career... it combines 2 of my passions... animals and rehab therapy. :)  It is definitely something I can see myself doing!  But I am scared that I am going to fail and disappoint myself, mostly.

I've been interest in the human/animal mind and behavior for quite some time... I want to understand why we do what we do... so I would still like to study at least some psychology... but as far as going back to school and working towards my bachelors/masters... I don't think that is going to happen.

The blessing in disguise all happened that awful night in 2009 which led me to getting Sassy.  We had a few dogs when I was growing up, but Sassy was MY first dog that I was responsible for; I fell in love with her.  If it wasn’t for that incident, Sassy coming into my life, her getting sick and passing away :( …I probably would never have applied for and gotten the job at the kennel and would never had would thought this new path was possible.

I need confidence.  Confidence in myself to know that I CAN do this and that I will be amazing at this!  It just scares me because this is a real possibility… everything else I’ve thought about doing just seemed so far off in the future.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new –But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.  There is more security in the adventurous and exciting for in movement there is life and in change there is power. –Alan Cohen

Good day.

This week started off absolutely horrible but has definitely gotten better! :)

I have gotten more accomplished in the past two days than I have in a long time!  I filed my taxes yesterday, got my car registration renewed, finally opened a savings account, took the dogs for a walk and even made it to the gym :)  

Yesterday and today were the first days that I didn't eat a sugary pop-tart for breakfast... which I think it what has made a world of difference in my energy level.  Although, I was very disappointed in trying to eat oatmeal this morning.. It was NOT as good as it used to be. :(



I am loving the gyms new face lift... I really like this new inspiration wall :)

Life is good today. :) 

Addiction

Addiction
9/3/10

You are a disease.
You have taken over my life.
I can't control the impulses.
You are killing me, faster than I realize.

You have become my addiction.
I am always thinking about you.
You make me physically ill.
But why can't I stop?
How do I change my life?
How can I take it back & make it mine?!
This has become a serious problem.
I am struggling to hang on.
I am drowning in my own self-destruction.
Please save me, before it's too late.
How can I stop this from destroying my life?
Why do I have no self-control?
How do I change this behavior?
When did I stop loving myself?
Why have I let it go this far?
Please save me before it's too late.

It gets better.

One day at a time, one meal at a time & it will get better.


Today, I piled my plate full for lunch, I know that I overate, but for the first time I felt like I was in control and was able to stop eating and with no desire to finish what was on my plate.



Sam: 1
Eating Disorder: 0


Thank you Lord for helping me through this. #inrecovery.

Bright future!

Today is the last day of 2012; I don't know about you, but I am beyond excited about the future!! I am putting the past behind me... all the drama, the anger and bitterness, the disappointments and the hurts.

My goal for 2013 is to be the BEST ME that I can be!!

Things have changed, people have changed & I have changed.  My life is heading in a completely different direction & I cannot wait to see where God is going to take me! :)

 "Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone and
do not be troubled about the future for it is yet to come.
Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."
-Elder Scott Taylor

Woohoo!

It's GRADUATION day!! :D

Ending of this chapter...

One chapter of my life is winding down and about to end.  I am graduating college December 14^th.  This is a huge accomplishment for me!  I want to change the trend in my family.  I want all of my younger cousins to choose to go to college and get a career doing something they love and will enjoy doing!

Speaking of choosing a career doing something I love… For my internship we had to write a final paper… here is part of what I wrote…

“One evening I went to the gym in hopes of seeing some new and different clients.  As I was waiting, I sat in the locker room and thought to myself, “What am I doing here?”  I started writing down my thoughts in preparation of writing this paper and I asked my, “what is the most important thing you have learned from this internship?”  My answer was, “I am living out someone else’s dream.”

My interest in fitness began my senior year of high school when a friend and I started working out to look good for prom.  During my second semester of college I signed up for a gym membership.  Over the next year I lost 20 pounds and gained a world of confidence.  The lady who encouraged me, motivated me and pushed me also inspired me to want to have a career in the fitness industry.  I wanted to share the joy she had when teaching and training.

I am not a very outgoing person, so I doubted myself a lot that I had what it took to be a personal trainer or a group fitness instructor.  When I finally started telling people that personal training was what I wanted do, I did not get the response I was expecting.  Everyone said, “That sounds like fun.”  That was very disappointing to hear.  I never once heard, “Oh, you will be great at that.”

Each day of going to the gym the more I realized this career is not for me, at least not at this point in my life.  I think I have finally figured to what I want to do with my life.  Next year, I want to go back to school to study psychology.  The human mind and behavior intrigues me; I want to understand why we do certain things.  I want to work with girls who have eating disorders.  I have been struggling with my own eating disorder for three years now.  I still do not understand why I am thing way.  [It’s not the most common eating disorder and most people think it’s just people having no self-control, but it’s real and it takes over your entire life.]  All I know is after what could have been a fatal incident at my home something in my brain just flipped and I have not been the same since.  I want to understand it and be able to help myself and other regain control over our lives and no let food or outward appearance have control any longer.  The most important thing I have gotten out of this internship was to find my own passion and stop living out someone else’s dream.”

So, as I prepare to walk the stage in 5 weeks, it may be the end of one chapter but it is the beginning of a lifetime.  I am excited to start studying psychology.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, but I am trusting that God will provide for this next journey of my life.