Bright future!

Today is the last day of 2012; I don't know about you, but I am beyond excited about the future!! I am putting the past behind me... all the drama, the anger and bitterness, the disappointments and the hurts.

My goal for 2013 is to be the BEST ME that I can be!!

Things have changed, people have changed & I have changed.  My life is heading in a completely different direction & I cannot wait to see where God is going to take me! :)

 "Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone and
do not be troubled about the future for it is yet to come.
Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."
-Elder Scott Taylor

Woohoo!

It's GRADUATION day!! :D

Ending of this chapter...

One chapter of my life is winding down and about to end.  I am graduating college December 14^th.  This is a huge accomplishment for me!  I want to change the trend in my family.  I want all of my younger cousins to choose to go to college and get a career doing something they love and will enjoy doing!

Speaking of choosing a career doing something I love… For my internship we had to write a final paper… here is part of what I wrote…

“One evening I went to the gym in hopes of seeing some new and different clients.  As I was waiting, I sat in the locker room and thought to myself, “What am I doing here?”  I started writing down my thoughts in preparation of writing this paper and I asked my, “what is the most important thing you have learned from this internship?”  My answer was, “I am living out someone else’s dream.”

My interest in fitness began my senior year of high school when a friend and I started working out to look good for prom.  During my second semester of college I signed up for a gym membership.  Over the next year I lost 20 pounds and gained a world of confidence.  The lady who encouraged me, motivated me and pushed me also inspired me to want to have a career in the fitness industry.  I wanted to share the joy she had when teaching and training.

I am not a very outgoing person, so I doubted myself a lot that I had what it took to be a personal trainer or a group fitness instructor.  When I finally started telling people that personal training was what I wanted do, I did not get the response I was expecting.  Everyone said, “That sounds like fun.”  That was very disappointing to hear.  I never once heard, “Oh, you will be great at that.”

Each day of going to the gym the more I realized this career is not for me, at least not at this point in my life.  I think I have finally figured to what I want to do with my life.  Next year, I want to go back to school to study psychology.  The human mind and behavior intrigues me; I want to understand why we do certain things.  I want to work with girls who have eating disorders.  I have been struggling with my own eating disorder for three years now.  I still do not understand why I am thing way.  [It’s not the most common eating disorder and most people think it’s just people having no self-control, but it’s real and it takes over your entire life.]  All I know is after what could have been a fatal incident at my home something in my brain just flipped and I have not been the same since.  I want to understand it and be able to help myself and other regain control over our lives and no let food or outward appearance have control any longer.  The most important thing I have gotten out of this internship was to find my own passion and stop living out someone else’s dream.”

So, as I prepare to walk the stage in 5 weeks, it may be the end of one chapter but it is the beginning of a lifetime.  I am excited to start studying psychology.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, but I am trusting that God will provide for this next journey of my life.

TRUTH.

It's a Boy!! :D

Fall is officially here.  September is ending and October is about to begin.

September has been a very eventful month.

Monica, Sydney & the kittens moved out the first weekend.  It was kind of bittersweet at first, but I know Sydney loves her new home with her momma.

GOD HAS A PLAN.

September 4^th was 2 months since Sassy passed away.  It has been quite lonely at home without her wagging tail and smiling face to greet me.  I had planned to adopt another dog once I finished paying off this semester of school…

As I was listening to KLove they said,

“When we go through hard times we can trust that God has a plan.”

And He did have a plan.  It was Sassy’s time to leave my life, but God had planned to bring another precious angel into my life.  And his name is Chester.

He is a very handsome 4 year old German Shepherd Lab Mix.  I work for Bed Bath N Bonz, a grooming and boarding facility.  I met Chester the first day of work.  He was a very rambunctious dog, jumping and barking.  He would carry his empty food bowl in his mouth and toss it around his kennel.  Katy, my manager told me that Chester had been at the kennel since he was a pup.  My heart broke; I couldn’t understand how somebody did not want this dog.

Three weeks had gone by.  I saw Chester every day.  I even took him out for play time when things were slow at work.  Saturday, September 8^th Chester had been moved to our 5x6 building, which is our largest indoor/outdoor kennel (he is usually in the outside kennels).  I walked into 5x6 and said hi to him... when I looked into his eyes... he looked inside my heart.  And my heart melted.

I took some pictures of him to show my grandma on my lunch break.  I asked her if I could bring him home & told her his story… I was expecting a NO because he was such a big dog and jumps around a lot and I didn’t want him to knock her over.  To my utmost surprise, she said YES! :D

Close to the end of the day, I asked Andrea about Chester & what they going to do with him.  She said they wanted to find him a good home, he was up to date on all his shots, heart-worm meds and he was neutered… PERFECT, I thought to myself!

So, on that day Monica and Niccole brought Sydney to meet Chester (we wanted to make sure that they got along since they would be seeing a LOT of each other.)  At first Chester wanted nothing to do with Sydney because he had never really been able to play with other dogs; and all Sydney wanted to do was play with him.  He ended up coming home with me that day! 

He has been with me for 3 weeks and I am still amazed that he is NOT the same day from the kennel.  He doesn’t jump around and act crazy, he doesn’t pull you when he is on a leash.  He is a very loving, wanna be lap dog.

LETTING GO.

After having Chester a few days I really started to miss Sassy.  This dog was nothing like her.  I didn’t love him as much I had Sassy.  Don’t judge me for what I write next because no one will ever understand the incredible bond I had with Sassy.  It took me sitting down & writing a letter to Sassy and finally burying the letter and some of her ashes to truly fall in love with Chester.   I was finally able to let go of Sassy to make room to love this new edition to my family.  I still miss her but there will always be a place in my heart with her name on it!

I have SO much more I want to share, but I think his post is long enough.

There are many more pictures on my facebook of this sweet boy of mine.  And many more stories to share about him.

Lies

Two biggest lies I have ever been told.....

1. "Sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." -NEVER tell your kids that.  My bones will heal, but words will stay with you FOREVER.

And #2, "best friends forever" -I think that should actually be #1.  I do NOT believe this one.  "We will still be friends after high school or even after college." LIE.  I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks they are too good for me, like she has always made me feel.  I. am. done.  FINALLY.  Letting go of this fake-as-ever friendship. 


Glad to know who my friends ARE NOT!!! 

Forgiveness

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all of your pride
It moves away the mad insideIt's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set it Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

"Forgiveness" -Matthew West

I choose to forgive you.
I choose to stop letting you control my thoughts.
I choose to let go of the bitterness.

You are you. And I am I.
We are two different people on two separate journey's in life.
You don't want to be apart of my life & I am okay with that.
I have come to accept that fact & have decided to move on.

I forgive you.
It's time to be set free.
You are forgiven.

The Beginning of the End

Tomorrow begins the last chapter of the book that was started 5 years ago. 

It has been a rather rocky road over these past 5 years; some days I never thought I would make it through but the end is nearing & it's getting more exciting every day.  I am quite nervous about the next few months of my life!  It is going to be a rather busy semester!

I begin tomorrow with my internship at Premier Fitness --this I am most nervous about!!  My worst fear(s) since I became interested in fitness industry is not being good enough, not being knowledgeable enough, not being outgoing enough.  Tomorrow, I must face these fears head on!  And honestly, I am terrified.  To get me through these 180 hours that I must complete I will need every ounce of strength that the Lord will give me to be confident in myself and my ability!

I will more than likely be recording my experience during my internship on my blog.  So check back :)

And Tuesday, I begin my new job.  This first week is a "trial week."  I'm hoping everything works out and they like me so they keep me on! :-o  That makes me a little nervous too!  I had a nightmare last night that they didn't like me and I ended up not having a job.  Scary!

Monica moves out on the 1st. We are going to transition Sydney over their slowly depending on how well she does.  This will be the first time since Oct. 2009 that I won't have a dog at home. :'(  I think this transition is going to be harder on me than it will be on Sydney. :'(

I've been trying not to think about how much I miss Sassy & how much I wish she was here.  I don't know if that is a good thing to just push it out of my mind or not.  When I think of Sassy I try only to remember all the good times we had, not all the things that we will never get to do together.

 After I get school paid off/start paying my Gma back is when I'll start looking to get another dog.  Probably first of November is when I will start looking... it's going to be a long couple of months... but I guess that will give me time to work on me and fix the things in my life that need fixing.

I plan to finish my internship hours by the first of November! :D Graduation will be either December 14th or 15th.  Then, I officially become an adult?!

OBSTACLES are those
frightful things you
when you take your eyes
off your goals. -Sydney Smith

Don't worry about anything;
Instead pray about everything.
Tell God what you need &
thank Him for all He has done.
-Phil. 4:6

I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.-Phil 4:13

Confidence comes from
not always being right but
not fearing to be wrong.

Until you believe in yourself,
it is impossible to believe your
dreams could be a reality.-Chalene Johnson

Serenity

As I posted in my status at the beginning of the week...

I found an old bulletin from Sunday, October 19, 2009.  I got Sassy the next day, Monday.  This is what I had written down...

"God knew about it before we were ever born.  He allows it to happen to bring glory to Him & so we can trust in Him." 

The previous Friday night a very horrible event happened in my life that very well could have ended my life, the lives of 2 family members and that of a friend.  That was by far the scariest event of my entire life!  But God knew about this event long before I was ever created.  That night, God has finally gotten a hold of one person's life, while my life just kind of stopped.  It was after this event that my life just kind of stood still... I slowly stopped going to church, slowly stopped going to the gym for classes.  Almost 4 years later, I have created this huge rut that I just can't seem to get out of.

The best thing in the world came out of this event.  I got the most special and loving dog on the planet, Sassy.<3  The last 3 years of my life have been amazing, because of Sassy.  It didn't matter how bad my day was, how much drama was going on around me or anything else... Sassy was there for me when NO one else was!  And this is where the next part comes in...

"When we turn away from God, He will take our treasures away.. because He loves us"

 I blame myself for Sassy's death.  I turned away from God and Sassy became my world.  And therefore, He took her.  I have been struggling SO much with the guilt of the "what-ifs, the what I could have done, and the what I should have done."

I have been trying to focus my energy on Sydney and giving her all the love I can, getting back into the gym for workouts and trying to fix my relationship with the Lord.  (Praying that I get a new job... that is closed on Sunday's so that I can actually get back involved in church.  Now, I just need to find a Sunday school class to get involved in... any suggestions at Friendly?)

I want so badly to get OUT of this rut I have let myself get in and stay in for waaaaay too long!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

There is a lot more on my mind but that will all come later.

Rest in Peace

My mind is completely jumbled with tons of thoughts & I am not sure where to I should start.

Difficult does not even begin to explain the past week of my life!  A week ago today my entire world was turned upside down.  As you probably already know my amazingly, wonderfully, lovable dog, Sassy passed away last Tuesday.  She had been showing signs of sickness for less than 2 weeks.  We thought she was getting better, but she all of a sudden got extremely worse.

It is a constant battle to not blame myself for her death.  As her momma, I feel like I could have done more to try to help and save her.

Dr. Carlson called me on Saturday (7/14) to give me the preliminary findings on Sassy (which is explained more in the previous posting).  He said then that Sassy had developed an infection in her kidneys.  The doctors were going to run more tests to find more answers.

He called me last night (Monday 7/16) to give me the final diagnosis.  He told me that the doctors could not isolate the strand of bacteria that Sassy had. 

Dr. Carlson said it was probably some type of bacteria that was so overwhelming that her body could not fight it off.

They don’t know she wasn’t sick longer than she was or why she felt better then all of a sudden she did a 180 degree turn for the worst.

So basically, I will never know exactly what happened to Sassy besides it was some kind of bacterial infection. :’(

Dr. Carlson said that Sassy didn’t suffer long.  Sassy was a fighter!  She held on as long as she possibly could.  She did everything I asked her to do in her sickest of days.  She was the GREATEST DOG EVER!!

Lord, when I prayed "…I can't live without Sassy..." I did NOT mean I couldn't, I meant I didn't want to... this is a lesson that I really didn't need to learn this way! :'( I will know to word my prayers differently from now on!

Sassy changed my entire world!  She came to me during the scariest time in my life.  There will always be a place in my heart with her name on it!

A picture frame in my room says,

*God sent me an angel disguised in fur to remind me of love* ßthat describes Sassy exactly!

My final goodbye to Sassy will be burying some of her ashes in the hole in the backyard.  I need to let go and let her to rest because there is nothing I can do to bring her back!  She wouldn’t want me to live my life holding on and being unhappy.

I want to get another dog in the future, but I don’t know when the appropriate time is.  I don’t want to disrespect Sassy and rush out to get another dog & it be like Sassy never existed!  She is too special to ever forget her though!  I also want what is best for Sydney!  She has been super depressed!  I want her to have another playmate!

I learned that within the German Shepherd breed there are 13 different distinct colors of dogs.  Sassy was the Silver Sable.

I will admit that the night I went to get Sassy, it was not love at first sight because she was not the “typical” GSD color that I had pictured in my head.  (I did not see a picture of Sassy before I went to meet her)  But within the first couple of minutes of being in the car with her, I fell head over heels completely in love with her!

I do want to get another GSD someday.  I looked up GSD rescue shelters; I saw a female German Shepherd that was a silver sable shepherd.  She looks like she could be Sassy’s twin.  Her name is Diva.  The first two words used to describe her are sweet & sassy :)

At first I wanted to get the same color dog as Sassy, but the more I looked at the pictures of Diva the more I compared her to Sassy.  I don’t want to do that to a dog.  I want to accept them for the individual dog they are.  I don’t want to only think of Sassy when I look at a dog and I’m thinking it would be very hard on Sydney!  I don’t want it to be like a mean trick played on her… that Sassy went away for a few weeks and then just showed back up.

It has been an extremely hard week, but I will continue to take it one day at a time and I will be able to pull my life back together again someday.  Be patient with me because Sassy to me was like any mother’s daughter…whether human or an animal.

Rest in peace my sweet baby girl<3